The official unveiling of the fall ready-to-wear collections got off to an exhilarating start in Milan on Monday with John Galliano's ritual killing of wild animals for Dior. The applause was deafening.

For his part, Issey Miyake introduced a line abuzz with religious overtones. Models were stigmatized. Men's daywear came with genuine, life-sized crucifixes, worn on the shoulder and secured at palms and waist. For women, atonement for sins of the flesh came through painful, impossibly high heels.

Gucci drew heavily from the 80s--the 1880s. Models, those whores, were beaten to death with the heel of this season's shoe.

Disdain lent sophistication to an inspired collection from Jean Colonna. Luxurious separates came in double-faced wool and knitted deceit. Disgust was worn on sleeves, and Colonna mixed ambition with loathing to create a brand new machine-washable fiber. Unexpectedly, God was sewn into details.

Some have claimed that Alexander McQueen's work for Givenchy has lacked some of the drive and finish that characterized his early career. To silence critics, McQueen went round an 18-hole golf course in less than 90. Dropping a shot on the 12th, McQueen came back with 3 birdies in a row to tie for the lead with John Rocha, 1 over par.

Rocha, in retaliation, designed two pairs of identical pants. --"In case he gets a hole in one." The heredity of that pun is outlined in a label stitched into the pant pocket.

Calvin Klein, suffering from a mass escape at his Taiwanese sweatshop, had this season's entire line produced virtually, in a Californian special effects lab. His decision to abandon the traditional methods of the couturier for the convenience and durability of "online" fashion outraged style mavens, but was cautiously welcomed by Nintendo and Microsoft.

A spokesman for the company confirmed that forthcoming scent, Longevity by Calvin Klein, will still be soaked in the sweat of small children.

Helmut Lang found himself amid controversy when his line for women featured scenes of nudity and violence. Five centimeters of the offending clothing has already been cut to allow for mainstream distribution in the States, while many store managers feel that it should be more. "There's at least 15 centimeters of gratuitous filth in Lang's evening wear?making it both harmful and difficult to wash," says Target's Mike Hunt. "I suggest we simply cut it out. It's around the neckline and a little bit in the sleeves."

Lang later cited the sanctity of his art.

In an overtly political statement, the Moschino label stood for prime minister of Italy, counting on the popularity acquired through nude modeling. Mariucci Mandelli's platform is Tax Reform and three-quarter length sheers. John Paul Gaultier stood in opposition, on a Human Rights ticket that highlighted the plight of the Afghan. Burkhas were infected with the cold virus for authenticity, and models were asked to sum up their most painful memories. Tears flowed freely.

For his show, Miguel Androver engaged the services of a genetically pure tribe of giants, discovered in Mozambique. No model was under 8 feet tall. A self satisfied Androver noted: "We designers have a heightened sense of fashion.

--Not better, just taller."

Vivian Westwood, going back to basics, simply weaved in and out of her audience saying 'Milan' with an impossibly long 'a'.

Audiences packed the hall for Imitation of Christ's much-debated spectacle. In pitch darkness, creators Tara Subkoff and Matt Damhave crept through the theater simply stapling their label into the clothes that people had on. Several fashion heavyweights, leaving the building in their new, one-of-a-kind couture items, praised the design duo's unexpected diversity and craftsmanship. Subkoff and Damhaeve later invited participants to buy a bridge.

In further news, this season's black is blue. Blue was last season's red, and now red has filed in behind this season's orange, which is still orange. Black is getting coverage as this year's spiritual exercise technique, with its own video, available in VHS or velvet. Brown was the key to eveningwear. Shirts were off-white: pawnee, milch, mascarpone; ties were tied low, around the hips, and erections were tucked into waistbands for men.

The issue of brown shoes with a business suit was finally resolved when Emilio Zegna bought a controlling share in the color brown on Thursday, thus averting the rumored merger with struggling Purple. Back to shoes, Midnight brown, royal brown, and sky brown, will all be available to the footloose office worker in 2003.

Genetics played a decisive role for D&G. Dolce rolled his tongue along a vertical access, Gabanna rolled his from side to side. Hoods and immune systems were worn down. Both used opposable thumbs to fasten buttons and recessive genes were highlighted with sequins on blue eyes and burred Rrrs.

The week's finale came at the House of Dior, where Hedi Slimane set himself on fire, as "a tribute to the fleetingness of life and the close hand of death."

"Slimane really feels this industry's pain," said Sebla Batz, a spokesperson for the tingly wellbeing of the fashion world. She was among guests at Dior who were asked to hold hands and visualize a white horse walking under a waterfall. Centering their qi as a group, they suddenly found themselves suffused with a sense of wonder, and no longer simply marking out the dwindling days of their tiny lives in the biannual migration of fashions.

The unique, indescribable experience is expected to reach the high streets next spring.